I remember the cold, horrible October day when Elena was gone. I cried and cried for her. I couldn’t believe I had lost her. I had never lost a baby before. My husband didn’t understand, NO one understood. During the weeks after her passing, I could not bring myself to ttc again. Then, my friend e mailed me and asked me if I was okay. I really wasn’t but what do you say? So, I told her I would be fine, that I just needed time. She told me her IP’s had lost several babies also. I said “IP’s?” And she explained to me she was a surrogate mom for intended parents. At the time, I really didn’t think that would be an avenue I would take.
Until….a friend of mine was trying to conceive and kept losing her babies. She had a clotting disorder. She talked about surrogacy, but never made that leap. She has had a couple still births, and many miscarriages. She does not have even ONE baby. I immediately offered to be her surrogate. She was doing an IVF procedure at the time and it worked! She was so excited. She was closely monitored and said “I still can get pregnant and my RE says things look great, so we probably won’t need a surrogate. You should do it for someone else, though” So, I began in December 2008 looking at agencies and at websites. I had applied with a lot of agencies and got responses back very quickly. Once I looked further into it, I decided that maybe losing Elena had a purpose. Maybe she was given to me briefly so that God could show me what I had that other people wanted so badly and couldn’t have. He, perhaps, wanted me to be thankful for my four kids who are healthy and happy.
Taking that thought into consideration is what prompted the move forward. I was denied by one agency due to my c-section and “preterm” birth of twins at 35 weeks. Another couple wanted me to go against values I take very seriously, so I said no. And the last agency, I had to sit with my husband and REALLY talk, because they matched with mostly gay international folks. I wasn’t sure how my husband would feel about it. The agency allowed us to voice our concerns by phone and gave us plenty of time to think things over. After I sat with him about things like my dying, why do gay folks need babies, and many other things that came up, HE AGREED to let me do it!
It took awhile and a few independent meetings before I settled on my agency. I became matched with a GREAT set of intended parents, Nick & Lee. There were so many snags in our journey and we didn’t even get to contracts for several months; meanwhile, my friend had lost her baby. I felt terrible matching with them knowing she’d just suffered yet another miscarriage. She said “you made a commitment w/ them, and you are going to keep it. I am not ready for surrogacy just yet anyway” So I kept my match with my intended parents.
I never ever in a million zillion years would have thought I would EVER do a surrogacy. I was shocked that my own self could actually give something so big to someone. Many people think it’s all about the money, but the tiny amount of money that I’ll get for being sick every day, tired, moody and getting fat? It’s not what makes surrogacy worth it. It’s the feeling that I have brought a tiny piece of joy to someone in this world.